Alone - For now, but not forever
by Kirabera
Summary: In the aftermath of the final battle in the Silver Soul Arc, Gin-san leaves Edo. In leaving his family and friends behind, he's become alone again. A glance at Gintoki's life experiences, as well as how he might feel after everything's that's happened. One-shot.


_A/N: Please kindly read this while listening to Gintama OST 5 Track 21. _

* * *

The gentle wind brushed against my cheeks. My hair rustled under a straw hat. A cloak, a kimono, a pair of hakama. I still held onto my colours of blue and white, but my garments felt strange after many years of a casual attire of black pants, a black shirt, leather boots, and a long kimono.

I almost look too proper. This isn't like Gin-san anymore, is it?

But that's good. No one would recognise me this way. Not that anyone would know me in these parts. I'm a long way from home.

_Home._

I smiled at the thought. A home, a family to return to? For a guy like me? Who am I kidding? Even after so many years, I still have trouble believing that I actually found myself a family and a place to call home. Even now, it feels too good to be true.

But it's because it's too good to be true that I set out on this path. I must protect them. My family. Everyone.

In the end, I became all alone again in order to protect what's important to me.

But loneliness is an old friend.

* * *

For as long as I could remember, I have always ended up alone.

I have no recollection of my family. I only remember fragments of an early childhood, wandering around war-torn streets, scavenging what I could find from corpses. Alone and afraid, I was forced to pick up an old sword to protect myself. Days that felt like an eternity. A world of black and white where the only splashes of colour came from spilled blood.

Soon I met Shouyou. I was fortunate. Amidst a world of death and suffering, he found me and gave me many things. I was given warm meals and a place to sleep, but more importantly, I was given his sword, his lessons, and companions. For the first time in my life, I was not alone.

I soon grew attached to my companions. We fought and grew side by side. I had gotten so used to having them protecting my back. Even when Shouyou was taken away from us, we still had one another. Being together gave us the strength to fight in the war. We believed that we could bring Shouyou back. I wanted to believe. I wanted…

It was by my hand that I became alone again. I tried to protect the two things that were dear to me. In trying to protect both, I ended up throwing them both away.

I wandered the streets, alone, once again. Eventually I offered myself to be captured for execution. It would have been a good death, to exchange my head for the lives of a few others. It would have served to atone for some of my sins.

It didn't go as I wanted. In the end, I was released and given another chance at life for a reason that sounded more like foolishness to me. The kindness of a man that I couldn't appreciate then. A chance that I almost didn't want.

I was tired. My body was tattered. I couldn't keep going anymore. I limped my way to a graveyard. Perhaps this was mean to be. Rather than be sent off by an executioner, perhaps I was to die alone. I found comfort in the cold, in the snow slowly covering my body, and accepted my end.

Yet again it didn't come. Again I was saved, given food to eat and a place to stay. This time, I saw something that I wanted to protect. I would use this life to protect the one who gave me another chance to live.

I lived for the promise I made in front of that grave that day. It wasn't much, but I did what I could. There was nothing that I wanted to do, so I did anything and everything. Before I knew it, I had the signboard out front.

And before I knew it, I had two kids working for me that very quickly became important to me. I even picked up a dog along the way. Somehow, I ended up surrounded by idiots again and I wasn't alone anymore. After so many years of wandering aimlessly, now I had people I wanted to protect, people who have fought so hard by my side. People who were family to me now.

So why have I left them behind? Why have I gone ahead and become all alone again?

* * *

Stopping by a stream, I took a quick rest. The water soothed my throat and felt cool on my skin. The sun shone softly on my face. It felt warm… Not unlike the warmth of those kids hugging me as I carried them on my back. The warmth of a family.

I must have become weird somewhere, allowing myself to have such selfish desires. Or maybe I've become a better person now? Who knows. I've taken many lives as the Shiroyasha, but since then I've also saved lives and helped many more. Enough that I have people who trust in me enough to call me family.

I've gained a home to return to, with people waiting for me. But until I do what I must do, I cannot go back to them. In order to keep them safe, I must leave them.

Alone? I guess that's fine by me. I'll be alone for a little while. Yoshida Shouyou's disciple, Sakata Gintoki, was alone to begin with.

I'll do what I must do. I'll keep everyone safe. Then I'll be able to stagger home drunk like I always do, with gifts in hand, to some annoyed kids and an angry dog. Then everyone can yell at me like they always do. When that time comes, I'll be everyone's Gin-san again.

As long as I have a home and a family to return to, I can stand being alone for now.

Just for now.


End file.
